Life & Style: Black Love

Filed under: Dating, Luv Coach, Parenting, Marriage, Love and Money

I have been married for 10 years and have two wonderful daughters, ages 3 and 8. I am a recovering addict who has been clean for 19 years, which is not an issue because I make 12 step meetings. I am 50 years old and retired due to getting hurt on the job. My wife, who is 36, is from Trinidad, and she had been here for three years before we got married. I feel that she is very lazy, uncaring and childish. I don't think she loves me, but I do think she married me to get a green card. The more I do, the less she does. I have colitis, and my shoulder was replaced two years ago. I'm in pain a lot of the time, but I don't sit around crying about it. She acts like she could care less about me. I'm not messing around on her, and I take great care of the girls -- karate classes, parks, movies, etc. I do it. Never her. We argue a lot and often end up screaming at each other. I love her, but I am not happy. We have sex a few times a month, which is a joke. If this doesn't change I am leaving her.

Peter G..

It sounds like you may have rushed into marriage before you actually knew who you were getting into bed with, and at this point, you are both miserable and in need of a love intervention There must have been a love connection when you first chose to marry this woman, and it sounds like you have spent years disconnecting. It is time for you to take responsibility for the choices that you have made in your life and begin to heal the rift that has grown between you and your wife. The first step is learning to communicate without the yelling and screaming, and you can do that by employing a simple exercise. Sit down once a day and set a timer for five minutes. You will both be given five minutes to speak and five minutes to listen. If you are the listener then your task is to be the greatest listener you can possibly be. If you are the speaker, then your task is to honestly express your thoughts and feelings. After each person has taken a turn, you both need to thank each other for listening and thank each other for expressing your honest and true feelings. This is not the time to place blame or to point fingers. Look at it as an opportunity to see into the heart and mind of your partner so that you can begin to understand each other. Once you have learned to communicate, you can open up about your fears that she married you to get a green card, and that you feel that she does not love you or take care of you in the way you would like. Do this exercise for one month, and after you have reconnected, you can ask yourself whether walking away from this marriage is the right choice for you and your daughters.

My boyfriend is Egyptian, and we have been dating for almost three years. He gave me a ring and he wants us to get married. His Visa expired last year, so in order to stay in the country, he married an American woman. I am applying for my citizenship now, so I couldn't help him stay. The woman he married seemed nice at first, and said she only wanted to help him out. He has been living with her for the last year, and she has become physically and emotionally abusive. She has three kids from three different men, and now she is telling my boyfriend that he has to support her with money and sex. I understand she needs money, but to expect him to have sex with her is crossing the line. His green card review is coming up in a month, and she threatened not to go with him, so he had sex with her. I love this man very much, and I see that he has gotten himself into a difficult situation, but I don't know where I fit in with all of this or what I should do. I lent him $15,000, which was all of my savings. And even though he works, he hasn't paid any of it back since he is giving this woman money. He still wants to marry me, and he comes to stay once a week. We talk several times a day. He is younger than me and a little naive in the ways of the world. I told him not to marry this woman, but he didn't listen to me. What should I do now?

Eva S. New York City, 46

It seems that your boyfriend has chosen to prostitute himself for a green card, and even though he wants to stay in the country at all costs, you have to ask yourself whether you two share the same values. Is it acceptable to you to sell your body? Would you be willing to make the same choice that he did if you were in that situation? Is this the man you believe represents the kind of person you want to spend your life with, or the kind of person you want raising and influencing your children? Everyone is faced with choices in this life, and the decisions you make shape your character. Your boyfriend is choosing a very unhealthy and dangerous path, and you are choosing to suffer through it with him. It's time to set boundaries and let him know that you two can be friends, but that you can no longer be intimately involved. If he is sleeping with this other woman who has three children with three different men, then you are at risk of contracting a venereal disease if you choose to sleep with him. You are also living in limbo because you are involved with a man who cannot truly commit to you, because he has chosen to be with another woman. If you value yourself then it would be best to step away from this situation and let it play out before you make the decision to be with a man whose values are not in line with your own.

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Read More

Filed under: Love, Dating, Relationships, Luv Coach, Marriage, Infidelity

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and I want us to last. I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me, too. Sometimes I feel that we are too young to be in a serious relationship, even though I want that with him. Next year is our last year of high school, and I don't want us to grow apart because we want the experience of being with other people. I talked to him about this, and he said he doesn't want that to happen either. What should we do?

Crystal J., 18, Lake Wylie S.C.

Long-distance relationships can be challenging for some and fruitful for others. You need to be aware that your partner cannot physically be there for you all the time, therefore you need to develop your sense of independence. The first step is to know what you both want, and to continually check in and be honest with each other if what you want changes. If you want a future together, then you will need to co-create a vision of the future together and come up with specific ways to stay connected. Sit down and figure out how often you two need to see, speak and write to each other to keep the connection alive -- and what activities will help you to grow closer. It is a good idea to take a class in communication and connection so that you learn to open up honestly and respectfully and you can solve any issues that might arise. You also need to balance your relationship time with your social life. College is a time to explore who you are in this world, and you want to make sure that your relationship uplifts and promotes that exploration. As you grow, stay connected to your partner and let him know how you are changing and developing so that you grow together.

I'm a 44-year-old woman, and three years ago, I married a man six years younger. The marriage lasted six months and ended painfully. I went to visit a family member for the weekend and when I got back home he had packed all his things and left without saying a word. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt by his action. Since that time, I've pushed him to get a divorce. He served me with papers, but to my knowledge, the divorce is not final. We haven't been to court and no judgment has been signed by the judge. I have no proof that we are legally divorced. Meanwhile, time passed and we became sexually active again. In my mind and in my heart, I was wishing and hoping we would get back together. Recently, I found out he's living with a woman. Well, my wounds have been reopened. The sad part about this situation is I still love him. When I confronted him about his relationship, he reminded me that we are divorced. I feel so hurt and used. I need to know how to let go. My sister has been there to listen and talk whenever I need, but I can only tell her so much. How can I heal and recover from this broken heart?

Vanessa

One of the most difficult experiences is to be betrayed in love by the same man -- twice. Let go of the shame and belief that you are stupid. You, like everyone else in the world, want to be loved and want to give love. Following love blindly can lead you to fall into the trap: If it feels good, then it must be love. The key is to become conscious of yourself and those around you. Your ex-husband's actions of abandoning you without any real explanation, and without choosing to make the marriage work, was a sign that he cannot commit to you in the way in which you want. Ask yourself, "Is this the kind of man I want in my life?" Be aware of these signs as you move forward, and let go of this boy who is not ready to stand tall and be a husband. Your heart is resilient, and it will love again. You need to take care of yourself. It's time to move forward and imagine your life as a new and beautiful experience. To help you move forward, make a list of five of the wildest things you've wanted to experience and take the challenge of fulfilling each one. This will help you focus on yourself and will promote self-growth, endurance and perseverance.

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Read More

Filed under: Celebrity Love, Marriage

When Mildred and Richard Loving married in 1958, their union was illegal in their home state of Virginia. Mildred, a black woman, and Richard, a white man, were arrested for daring to marry and both pleaded guilty. The couple left Virginia to avoid jail time. They wrote then-attorney general Robert F. Kennedy, and their case was heard by the U.S. Supreme Court. On June 12, 1967, the court ruled that anti-miscegenation laws (which still existed in 16 states) were unconstitutional.

Loving Day was created to honor the anniversary of the ruling, and every year on June 12, events are held across the country to celebrate the occasion.

Check out some of celebrity couples the Lovings paved the way for!

Famous Interracial Couples

Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett
The Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver kicked enough game to get 'Girls Next Door' star Kendra out of the Playboy Mansion and into his arms. Now they're expecting!

Denise Truscello, WireImage

Tara Wilson and Chris Noth
The two are the proud parents of a baby boy, Orion Christopher Noth, born in January 2008. They met in 2004 when she worked as a bartender at his now defunct music venue in NYC The Cutting Room.

Monica Morgan, WireImage

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush
Stars in their own right, these two have risen to tabloid stardom with their very public relationship. While he is a football phenom, she is a gorgeous socialite made famous by a reality show and a racy sex tape.

Johnny Nunez, Getty Images

Seal and Heidi Klum
One of today's most striking 'it' couples, these two first met when Heidi was pregnant with ex-husband Flavio Briatore's child. They were married a year later and now have two gorgeous sons together.

FilmMagic.com

Ice T and Coco
Rapper turned actor Ice T married voluptuous swimsuit model Nicole Austin, known professionally as Coco. The 'Law & Order: SVU' regular and his wife speak often of the secret of their seven year marriage -- great sex!

Astrid Stawiarz, Getty Images

DJ Ironik and Danielle Lloyd
Former Miss Great Britain and reality TV star is the on-again-off fiance of MOBO nominated rapper. In October, they were off again -- or it could be a publicity stunt?

Chris Jackson, Getty Images

Cuba Gooding and Sara Gooding
Cuba Gooding has been married to Sara Kapfer since 1994, but the two were high school sweethearts since 1986. The Goodings have three children: Spencer, Mason and Piper.

Giulio Marcocchi, Getty Images

Thandie Newton and Ol Parker
Bi-racial British actress Thandie Newton married her writer/director/producer husband in 1998. The pair have two daughters, Ripley and Nico.

Jon Furniss, WireImage

Iman and David Bowie
Somalian supermodel Iman and rock luminary David Bowie have been married 19 years and have one daughter, Alexandria Zahra -- they make an amazing power couple.

WireImage

Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren
These two were introduced in 2001 and by 2004 were getting married at an exclusive golf resort in Barbados. The two have two children, Sam Alexis and Charlie Axel.

WireImage

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Read More

Filed under: Travel, Weddings, Travel

Saying Your "I Do's" in The Motherland

Courtesy of Odyssey Couleur Magazine

By Ann Brown

When people think of exotic wedding locations, Africa might not be the first place to come to mind. But that is changing as more and more people each year head to the continent for their dream wedding. And exchanging vows in Africa is a lot easier than many may think-plus, the post-card perfect location possibilities are endless. There are travel agents specializing in African weddings, and many of the countries can provide you with information on where and how to get married in Africa. If something here strikes your fancy, your next step should be to contact the country's tourism board, which can provide a list of wedding planners, travel agents and packages for weddings.

Kenya: Lions and Tigers, Oh My...
According to Maisa Fernandez, spokesperson for the Kenya Tourism Board, Kenya is fast becoming a favorite wedding destination. And no wonder. Kenya offers a range of wedding choices: classic beach weddings, balloon weddings over the Masai Mara Game Reserve, wild bush weddings, traditional African weddings. A popular location is on the edge of Laikipia Plateau overlooking the Ewaso Nyiro River, where you can exchange vows at sunset.

Get married at the Mara Safari Club, Maasai Mara National Reserve, along the Tanzanian Border and the Serengeti National Park. Not only is the backdrop scenic, but this area is home to the highest concentration of game in Kenya and the largest lion population.

Tip: Couples marrying in Kenya are usually required to reside in Kenya for 21 days. However, if you apply for a Special License, you need only arrive in Kenya four working days in advance of your wedding day.

For more info: www.magicalkenya.com

Morocco: Like An African Queen
Just the name Morocco conjures up exotic images. The moment you land in Morocco, you feel transported to another time. There is so much to see in the country that mixes Arab, African and French cultures: kasbahs, Roman ruins, ancient cities. Your wedding guests can explore before and after the wedding, doing everything from shopping to riding donkey taxis to enjoying a spot of tea.

One of the most popular places for weddings in Morocco is La Mamounia in Marrakech, a former Moroccan palace that has been called one of the most beautiful hotels in the world. It's set in 300-year-old gardens and weddings are customized down to the last detail.

Tip: Before you marry, you'll need an affidavit translated into Arabic, which can be arranged through a Moroccan Embassy. Most types of marriages are permitted.

For more info: www.visitmorocco.org, www.mamounia.com

South Africa: Brides of the Bush
South Africa offers many destinations for weddings, with a wide variety of ceremony types-from a beach wedding to botanical garden settings to safari backdrops.

If it's romance you want, head to the banks of the Timbavati River, against a backdrop of African bush. The five-star Ngala Tented Safari Camp (www.ngala.co.za), on a private reserve within Kruger National Park, will arrange everything-including the ceremony, post-wedding dinner, honeymoon night accommodations, champagne bush breakfast and an afternoon game drive with a stop for cocktails served by a butler.

Others may enjoy a ceremony in the ivy-clad wedding chapel on the grounds of Blue Mountain Lodge, surrounded by indigenous bush, forest and farmland. The lodge also offers candlelit ceremonies at nightfall followed by a reception on the manicured lawns. After the ceremony, spend your honeymoon night in a villa with private pool and panoramic views of the mountains.

Tip: South Africa does have a somewhat detailed process for couples applying to get married in the country. In addition to the presenting the proper ID, you must complete an application process that may take up to eight weeks to be completed (you can do via the mail).

For more info: www.southafrica.net/satourism, www.bluemountainlodge.co.za

Tanzania: Out-of-Africa Vibe
Head to Tanzania for a truly unique ceremony. Say your wedding vows in a back-to-nature setting-then head for a honeymoon at an ultra-luxurious resort.

A favorite for couples is the Ngorongoro Crater Lodge. Here, bride and groom are escorted down the aisle by singing and chanting Masai. Then the ceremony can take place on the Tree Camp deck, which is covered with rose petals.

Tip: Like Kenya, Tanzania requires a stay of 21 days or more prior to the wedding. But you can apply for a Special License if this is not possible.

For more info: www.tanzaniatouristboard.com, www.ngorongorocrater.com

Zanzibar: Beach Nupitals
The mystical spice island of Zanzibar has some of the most spectacular beaches in the world. So it's no wonder they host countless oceanside weddings each year. And, with its pristine white sands and cool Indian Ocean breezes, Zanzibar is a hot spot to marry and honeymoon at any time of the year.

When planning your wedding here, you'll have lots of resorts to choose from, such as Breezes Beach Club (www.breezes-zanzibar.com) where they will arrange your wedding and honeymoon.

Tip: Zanzibar and Tanzania share a united government, so the same marriage rules apply for both.

For more info: www.tanzania.go.tz, www.zanzibargovernment.org, www.breezes-zanzibar.com

Zambia: Waterfall Weddings
Though Zambia is home to the breathtaking Victoria Falls, it has much more to offer: incredible wildlife, safaris, a rich culture and extremely friendly people. Say intimate "I do's" on a private island in the Zambezi River. Do so at the River Club, just upstream from Victoria Falls and home to 10 luxury chalets that can accommodate 20 people.

Tip: Zambia requires proper ID and paperwork.

For more info: www.zambiatourism.com

Ann Brown is a freelance writer based in New York.

 

Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments

Read More