Luv Coach Q&A: Faking An Orgasm?

Posted May 16th 2008 1:53AM by Rebecca Brody
Filed under: Lifestyle, Love

By Rebecca Brody, Certified Empowerment Coach

Q: My girlfriend rushes through sex, and now I think she is faking her orgasms so that I will hurry up and finish. How can I tell a fake orgasm from the real thing?

A: A fake orgasm is a sign of sexual disconnection in a relationship. In a healthy relationship both partners are able to communicate their sexual desires, and set boundaries to fulfill them. This is not the time to assess if an orgasm is real or fake, but a time to find out the reason why your connection with each other is limited. This calls for an open discussion about her likes and dislikes during sex. Feel free to explore creative ways to allow her to express her self sexually, and ask her what will bring her pleasure. This may be an issue that is pervasive through out your whole relationship, so take a moment to think about the last time you truly connected with each other. It might be time to check in on your relationship vision. Ask your girlfriend if this is what she pictured her ideal relationship would look like. You want to realign both your visions and make sure that is the reality you are working towards, so that you are both happy and satisfied with the relationship. Focus on reconnecting and you will know that it's the real thing.

Q: I lost my husband a few years ago to cancer. Now I want to start dating again. I don't know where to begin, so I have been trying the online dating thing. I've done profiles, photos and emails with very little response. What am I dong wrong? Please HELP ME.

A: Congratulations on taking the initiative to move forward and get yourself back in the dating game. It sounds as if you are emotionally ready to date. Let's shift your perspective to put yourself first, so that you can be mentally and physically ready to date. Make sure to get a makeover (hair, make-up, clothes, work-out), so that you feel and look great and you are presenting your self as a whole being. Online dating is one way to approach your new venture. Another way to meet people successfully is to get involved in your community. Make a list of three new hobbies you would like to try (dance lessons, painting, pottery), three ways that you can give back to the community (volunteering, fund-raising, soup kitchen), and three classes that help you to improve your inner self (try Meetup.com -- learn Italian, laughter yoga, key to consciousness). You want to get involved with like-minded people and be open to accepting a new experience. It is also good to have a support system of people who know that you are ready to date. Let your friends and co-workers help you by recommending people they believe might be a good fit for you. Let your self be open to what ever opportunities present themselves, and approach each new experience with an open and positive heart.

Next Luv Coach Q&A: Forgiving a Cheater >>>

Life Coach Rebecca Brody Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec, and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com.

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Reader Comments

1. Anyone who has ever taken the time to give someone an orgasm, knows the difference between a real one and a fake one. The person faking the orgasm looks forward to sex ending, the one with a real one doesn't. The difference is a matter of communication, skill, and time. Take your time and you'll see the difference. Do what turns her on, not what turns you on. If a woman is satisfied, then her partner will be too. All you need to do is ask. One last point, if your woman is faking it she could be getting her orgasms from another source. Faking anything is a communication problem. It's my opinion and I'm old enough to know.

Cecil Jones at 9:45AM on May 16th 2008

2. Sometimes when the spouses argue to much will lead to a lot of fake orgasms. Falling out of love quickly.

Lanette at 7:40AM on May 23rd 2008

3. Well said Cecil Jones well said!!!

Kabba at 8:51AM on May 23rd 2008

4. Some people do know how to communicat
Good job cecil jones

Bub at 10:27AM on May 23rd 2008

5. Well I am a 22 year old college student who til recently loved sex! I mean I am not praticinng celibacy becuz I have a boyfriend and Cecil is right a man needs 2 take time 2 please his woman and not try 2 fill his needs be4 hers becuz that is the main reason why I am reluctant 2 havin sex with my man becuz all he cares about is his needs sexually and it has really had a bad impact on our relationship and it makes me feel as if I waste my time during sex so I fake it so I can get back 2 doing something more important and I dont cheat so I have to disagree when the comment that was said about gettin pleasures else where.....but it does make a female wonder what another man could do 4 u cuz ur man is failing sex101!!!!!

Sade' Davis at 2:23PM on May 23rd 2008

6. Ladies you are correct. It took me years to find out that you have to ask your woman what she wants and how she wants it. Fathers don't pass on to their sons how to treat a woman so we are out there blind. Thank God for site like this we can now find good information on thing like relationship, pleasing your partner. ladies keep telling us what we need to know about you and it will be a better world.

CHARLES at 3:01PM on May 23rd 2008

7. While I completely agree with Rebecca Brody, the Empowerment Coach, things aren't always as cut and dry as Cecil Jones indicates. Faking an orgasm is not a reason to assume she's having them with someone else. It's true, in an ideal world we SHOULD BE ABLE to ask and tell our sexual partner exactly what we want, don't want, and how we want those things done. But, in the real world, what one person is comfortable verbalizing isn't the same as the next. Some people don't find those easy questions to ask or to answer. The reasons for that difficulty vary between couples. What you think she likes, may not be the case. Perhaps it's the speed or the manner in which you're doing something.

Also, give consideration to the timing of such discussions. For some couples, it may be best to begin that discussion while relaxing over a glass of wine, and then if it feels right for you both, it can continue in the form of encouraging and supportive instruction during the act itself. However, Cecil is correct in that you must each determine what works well for the two of you and then focus on doing those things for each other. You must both be comfortable, relaxed and patient in that process. Rushing faster than she wishes to go is a sure way to leave her unsatisfied.

Most women need a lot of foreplay, before the main event, and it should begin long before taking off her clothes. Make it an adventure in patience; both of you taking the time to please one another. It should never be all about an orgasm. Sometimes it might be good to devote an entire evening, or series of evenings, to kissing, hugging and stroking one another without having actual intercourse. That can "take the pressure off" while allowing you to explore what each other responds to best. Putting your focus on whether or not the act culminates in orgasm can actually inhibit one from occurring. Focusing on truly enjoying each step of the journey, without requiring a particular outcome, can lead to the outcome you want. Allowing that to happen often enough, without the pressure of expectations, may well result with her begging you to stop because she just can't take anymore.

Jazzy at 3:47PM on May 23rd 2008

8. What's the purpose of faking it? If you're not into it don't do it. If there's a need to fake it, there must be some problems in the relationship. If you're not married and don't plan to be married; why worry about it? But if you're married and want to save your marriage, you should sit down and have an honest talk with each other and explain why you're not being fulfilled.
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laiconna at 3:27PM on May 26th 2008

9. You pretty much said Cecil, you have to communicate sexually like you would in any other part of your relationship.

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LaShonda Rawls at 3:31PM on May 28th 2008

10. seven minuets,thats all you need to hit the final mark. forplay and the ultimate climax. seven min. ummmm.

lenny.t at 5:10PM on May 28th 2008

11. The majority of women don't have them anyway. Sex can still be enjoyable however. If your girl is faking it, she's just not into your type of sex anymore. Many men mistake sexual arousal for orgasms and many women allow you to think just that. It's a way of stroking your ego. Believe me when I say, sex can be great even without an orgasm. If I only could enjoy sex with an orgasm, I would have gave up long time ago. Now it is off the chart when you do find that partner that knows just what to do and when and he takes you there. There is nothing better in my book.

I suggest you do something else to turn her on if you can. If you have been together for a long period of time, she's going to get bored with you if you're doing it the same old way time and time again. I bet somewhere down the line, she hinted to being sexually unsatisfied. Did you hear her or make it her fault?

jena at 10:46AM on Jun 1st 2008

12. It's really encouraging to see so many women so confident and clear about the value of communication. I agree with Jazzy that communication like is not as easy as it sounds, and with Charles that for a lot of us men, it's a matter of not having direct conversation or mentoring (if we come from otherwise communicative homes)from the men in our lives.

I just want to add, that for every man who is "out there blind" because "fathers don't pass on to their sons how to treat a woman," there's a woman who's mother didn't show her how to communicate her needs to a man, or, more importantly, a father figure in her life to demonstrate what open loving communication with a man can be/feel like.

There are plenty of communicative, empathetic men out there who are in relationships with women who are afraid to open up on that level and don't have a positive model for facing that fear.

For dude in the story, if you're one of those men, you may have to ask whether you BOTH of you are committed to love or affection and sex--there's a big difference.

"Talk about it with my youth, so she understand/
What it means to be loved by a man"
- Common "Love is..."

David at 12:34PM on Jun 2nd 2008

13. It's really encouraging to see so many women so confident and clear about the value of communication. I agree with Jazzy that communication like is not as easy as it sounds, and with Charles that for a lot of us men, it's a matter of not having direct conversation or mentoring (if we come from otherwise communicative homes)from the men in our lives.

I just want to add, that for every man who is "out there blind" because "fathers don't pass on to their sons how to treat a woman," there's a woman who's mother didn't show her how to communicate her needs to a man, or, more importantly, a father figure in her life to demonstrate what open loving communication with a man can be/feel like.

There are plenty of communicative, empathetic men out there who are in relationships with women who are afraid to open up on that level and don't have a positive model for facing that fear.

For dude in the story, if you're one of those men, you may have to ask whether you BOTH of you are committed to love or affection and sex--there's a big difference.

"Talk about it with my youth, so she understand/
What it means to be loved by a man"
- Common "Love is..."

David at 12:37PM on Jun 2nd 2008

14. FIRST TO FAKE ISN'T GOOD AT ANYTIME FOR ANYONE EVER. I AM A 40 SOMETHING YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH TWO MEN WHOM I CARE DEEPLY FOR, ONE HITS THE SPOT EVERY TIME WE HAVE SEX AND THE OTHER ONLY HITS THE SPOT WHEN I DIRECT HIM, BUT I WILL NOT FAKE EVEN WHEN THE JOB IS NOT DONE RIGHT I DO TELL THE ONE WHEN I DON'T CUMM THEN I TELL HIM WHAT TO DO TO HIT THE SPOT HE RESPECTS ME FOR THAT JUST AS I RESPECT HIM WHEN ITS SOMETHING HE WOULD LIKE FOR ME TO DO TO MAKE HIM FEEL GOOD.

LYNDA2124 at 3:17PM on Jun 3rd 2008

15. I gave birth to my son 9 months ago, I'm not for sure whats going on,but, I can't stand to be touched anymore.It seems like the mere thought of sex makes me want to gag,my sex drive used to be really high,I was always initiating it. I wore sexy garments,I love to tease and please,but now I have to fake orgasms,just to get through as fast as possible. I've even went as far as faking my cycles at least 3x's a month. I know this isn't cool,although my doctor says its normal,but I'm tired of faking it,any suggestions?

michelle lowe at 3:42AM on Jun 5th 2008

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