By Rebecca Brody, Certified Empowerment Coach
Q: I need your advice. I am married and have been for 5 years now. My husband cheated on me one year and two months into our marriage. I said that I forgave him, but truly and deeply inside, I didn't. I think about it all the time and it is driving me crazy. We are in the military and he had to report to his duty station three months before I could join him. He said that he felt as though he was losing his family, because we could not all be there with him when he left and that the female started showing him attention. He told me that he was in love with this girl, which I think was infatuation. We are still together, but I'm not in love with him. He knows how I feel, but is trying for me. What should I do? He is a great father and husband, provides well for our family, but I'm not in love with him. I need some advice from an outside angle. Thanks again for all your help.
A: Losing the trust and faithfulness of the person you have made a commitment with is one of the most difficult experiences to resolve, but it is not impossible. It sounds as if trust and faithfulness are requirements for you, but not for your husband. I can also see that you are a strong woman who lives by her values and morals, and this is not reflected in your partner. This leaves you with four choices:
1. Stay in the relationship
2. Leave the relationship
3. Let go of your requirement
4. Compromise
My advice to you is to take a look at each choice and create a vision of what that might look like. Take this opportunity to imagine in detail exactly what your life might be like:
1. If you chose to stay in this relationship, what will the next 5 years look like? Who will you become in this situation? How will it affect your children positively and negatively?
Example: If you choose to stay in the relationship, you will continue to live in a loveless and untrusting marriage. The children will have a father living in the house, but they will also be exposed to the relationship, learning the habits of the current situation. They might grow up believing that since their father cheated, it is acceptable to cheat, or that they are pre-disposed to cheating because it runs in the family.
2. If you choose to leave the relationship, what would your life look like? Who do you want to be outside of this current situation? Where have you always dreamed of living? What values would you instill in your children? Who would you choose to be your support system through this transition?
3. If you let go of your requirement of trust and faithfulness, what would your life and relationship look like? (Is letting go of faithfulness and trust even a possible solution for you, or does that completely go against who you see yourself to be?)
4. If you and your husband were to find a compromise that you could both live with, what would that look like? Remember that a compromise is not a win/win situation. Both partners must give up something to find the middle ground.
After you have thoroughly assessed each choice, take some time to let them marinate. Choose the one that creates the most positive outcome for you and your children. Once that is done, take the vision you have created for that choice and figure out what the first step will be in order to make that vision a reality.
Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec, and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com.
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1. LEAVE HIM! BOTTOM LINE. ITS OVER
mimi at 6:46AM on May 10th 2008