By Coletta Renee, Founder Tia's Foundation
What if your significant other told you that they were infected with HIV or AIDS? What would you do? Would you stay in the relationship or would you leave? That is the question I've asked myself many times since learning that my best friend was infected by her fiancé.
She chose to stay for many reasons but the main reason she chose to stay was out of fear of loneliness. While I realize that many people remain in relationships for the wrong reasons, at some point you have to wonder if it's really worth it.
I want to share three stories with you about choices: The choice to stay; the choice to leave; and the choice not to reveal status.
Tia's Story: The choice to stay
Back in 1993 there wasn't enough information about HIV and AIDS for Tia to make an educated decision. At the request of her fiancé, she got tested. She tested positive but chose to stay even after she found out that they were in different stages of the virus. She battled with feelings of shame, fear, embarrassment and hopelessness.
What would people say about her if they knew that she was infected? How would they treat her? Would they think she was promiscuous? Would people become insensitive and talk behind her back? Would they think she was gay?
How would the family treat her????
Years later, I found out that these were all questions that went through her mind. The shame and embarrassment it would cause her parents; the agony of being treated like a plague; and every other feeling of hopelessness. It was safer to stay and live a lie; put on a happy face-a mask than to face the disease. It was less stressful to go on day to day like nothing happened than to worry about taking 25 pills a day. It was more interesting to sit back and watch other women flirt with her fiancée in front of her and not know that he was infected...if only they knew. That was then, this is now... I often wonder that with all that we know about HIV/AIDS today, would she choose to stay?
Jamie's Story: The Choice to Leave
In April 2004, Jamie*, an old Tia's Foundation volunteer told me that her brother, James*, was infected-full blown AIDS. She felt compelled to call one of his girlfriends, Sondra, and encourage her to get tested.
Three weeks after that conversation, Sondra* found out that she was HIV positive. Confused, hurt and devastated, she confided in me and Jamie. She kept asking, "How could your brother do this to me?" As we listened to her curse him, scream and cry, I felt compelled to share my story of being affected. I thought that it would help her understand that she wasn't alone.
Sondra explained that she was confused; she didn't know whether to stay or to leave. I suggested professional counseling for her first, then eventually for her sons. Like Tia, she was filled with fear, shame, embarrassment and hopelessness. When we spoke weeks later, she decided to leave and get help. I felt so proud of her.
Believe it or not, James is still in denial. He has since moved on and is living with a young woman and her two young children.
Arthur's Story: The Choice Not to Reveal
Earlier this year, I interviewed Arthur* who revealed his HIV positive status to me but had not revealed it to his wife. He said that he would not reveal his status until he was ready. His reasons were the same as Tia's and Sondra's: shame, fear and embarrassment.
Arthur revealed that during their 10 year marriage, he had not been faithful. There were many encounters after their first child was born. He said that he simply wasn't attracted to his wife anymore so he created arguments so that he'd have an excuse to leave for days at a time. A lot of the women he slept with didn't make him use protection nor did they seem to care whether he was infected or not.
Even worse, when he came back home to his wife, she made it easier for him to cheat even more by blaming herself. She justified his behavior by agreeing that she needed to lose weight and that she didn't have enough energy to keep him satisfied. I thought to myself, "Wow, this is worse than enabling, she's co-dependent."
My thoughts about James were that he was awfully controlling and insensitive. His earlier statement confirmed my assessment...he said that he will reveal his status when he is ready. To him, this was all about him. He didn't care that even if she wasn't infected, she and their children were going to be affected from that day forth.
These are just three of many stories about choices. Overall, HIV/AIDS doesn't care whether you are black or white; it doesn't care if you are gay or straight; it doesn't care about your socio-economic status....AIDS DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE. Ladies (and gentlemen), please empower and protect yourselves.
What would you do if you found out your significant other infected you?
*Real names have been changed
1. All the tugs at our heart strings won't change the facts about HIV. There is only one way to protect yourself and that's to ask before you give it up. If your lover is too ashamed to discuss the topic, then that's a reason not to love them that way at all. It's not about them, it's about you. We've got to assume that anyone can test positive. If you want to be real, marriage is no guarantee that your spouse isn't cheating or infected. HIV should be treated on a "Need to Know Basis." If you are not having sex, then they don't need to know. Isn't it just that simple? If we get universal health care, then that's a reason for everyone to get tested so we can find a cure. HIV is not something you boss needs to know, the government, or any past lover. You can't undo the past and making the information public will only be used to discriminate. Timing is everything and if you are having sex, that's the time. Why live a life of hatred and regret blaming someone else for not caring in the heat of the moment. If it's assault and you get HIV then sue the heck out of them. Understand, you will have to prove you didn't have it before the act. What you do matters and timing is everything. Is HIV testing only good for six months?
Cecil Jones at 3:54AM on Jan 6th 2008