By Sheryl Huggins, Courtesy of NiaOnline
How satisfied are most women in the bedroom? Dr. Hilda Hutcherson discusses the shocking truth; plus, a sexual hang-up shared by many Black folks.
Do you sometimes find yourself feeling self-conscious or intimidated in the bedroom? In Part 1 of NiaOnline's interview with sex expert Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, she addressed the question of why we women know so little about our own sexuality, and yet we feel plenty of pressure to perform between the sheets.
Q: Should a woman worry if she's not climaxing every time she has sex?
A: Only 25 percent of women experience orgasm every time they have sex with a partner. Now, there's no physical reason why most women cannot have an orgasm every time, so something else is going on to prevent them from experiencing it.
Q: Is it a communication issue?
A: It's communication between the partners, and the woman not letting the man know what she wants. Because the clitoris is outside and not inside the vagina, most women need some stimulation of their clitoris in order to achieve orgasm. Both men and women need to understand this and figure out how to make sure that a woman's most sensitive area is stimulated.
There are psychological issues as well, because many women view sex as something to please their men. We think the most important thing is making sure that our man is the one who is pleased--that if he's happy, then he'll come back and he won't leave us for someone else who's better in bed. So we'll spend a lot of time learning techniques to please him and very little time, if any, learning how to please ourselves.
Q: I've heard another sex expert talk about a phenomenon called spectatoring.
A: [It's as if] you're outside your body [during sex], looking at what's going on and critiquing it. "How do I look? Oh, I hope he doesn't feel that bulge over there. How do I smell? Oh, I hope it's OK. I hope I look good."
You're spending the whole time thinking about his perception of you and whether you're doing things right. Your mind is not on the pleasure you're receiving right now. That's why I tell women, "Don't chase [an orgasm]; don't look at it as a goal. Focus on what's happening right now, and the pleasure you're receiving. If you can do that and live in the moment, the orgasm will come. You can't will it or force yourself to have one, and the more you worry about it, the less chance that it's going to happen."
Q: Does pornography play a positive or a negative role in all of this?
A: It's a double-edged sword in that it can be quite positive, especially for couples who have been together for a while. When you've been with the same person, sex can become routine and boring. Using pornography or erotica is a great way to bring that spark back in, either by showing you some new techniques that you can try, or just [by arousing] you.
It becomes a problem when you forget that pornography is just a fantasy. For instance, the techniques used for oral sex, so that [the camera] can see everything, are not going to make a woman have an orgasm. The problem is that people see this on the Internet and think it's real, and then men think that women want sex to be that way.
Q: Why does the subject of oral sex seem to be such a big deal within the Black community?
A: Other cultures are a lot more open to it. I don't really understand why we have so many hang-ups about oral sex, but I certainly hear that when I go across the country. When I do radio shows and people call in, you have the men complaining that Black women don't want to do it, and that's why they go with the White girls.
You also have Black women complaining that Black men don't want to do it, and you can't convince them to go down there--or if they do, you've got it shave it, scrub it, and do so much preparation in order to convince them to go down there. I don't know why we're so behind in that regard, because it's certainly something that both Black women and men desire.
For women it's the easiest way to experience orgasm--so much more efficient than intercourse. It's something that I totally recommend that women ask their partners to do. Certainly, there's still a reluctance on the part of many [Black men], though not all, because there are lots of Black men who will do it.
For more of Dr. Hutcherson's advice, check out her new book, Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need, and Deserve (Perigee; $15.95).
1. I am really amazed at the comment, "Don't chase Your orgasm". You're joking right?
Everything good in life requires work, and yes it is work chasing that big "O " sometimes ,for men as well as women.
I agree with you that there has to be some reason why only a small percentage of women have orgasms. But what we need to point out is that they indeed DO need to have them. Most women who do not have orgasms have physical which turn into emotional needs that they suppress simply because they don't know what is missing in their lives physically.
When they are left wanting, needing they hold on to these emotions when they get out of bed as well. Usually these negative emotions are directed at the man without her (or him) ever understanding why she is doing it.
Having an orgasm is the closest thing to equality a man and woman share. The same neural activity occurs in both men as well as women. Do you think a man does not consider his ultimate goal is to have an orgasm? Why shouldn't a woman as well?
Adiotima at 2:59PM on Nov 29th 2007