Your Money and Your Mate

Most people know their honey's favorite TV show, and his mother's maiden name. They know where she grew up and touching stories of how she got that scar over her eye. We know where he plays ball on Sunday and who her best friend is. But what about his credit score? Her income? How much debt he has? Her spending habits?

It's answers to questions like these that most experts say can make or break a relationship. And often times, couples do not take the time to discuss matters of finance during the dating phase, or even before marriage, even though most of us have heard that the number one thing couples fight over is money. Fact is, folks aren't so open with their money, even if they're regularly swapping bodily fluids or sharing a bed with someone.

"People will give you their entire sexual history before they'll give you their credit scores," notes Dwight Raiford, a MetLife financial planner based in the New York City area. Raiford, who offers "Financial Wedding Showers" to couples before marriage, meets with twosomes to determine their thoughts on money, how they manage money and whether they're "savers" or "spenders."

"Probably the most important thing that we talk about is how to talk about money with each other in a non-blaming kind of way," says Raiford. "Money is one of the leading causes of marital failure. And the real problem is the inability to talk about it honestly, knowing that the arguments about money typically have little to do with the person himself, but their attitudes."

Financial columnist, author and television personality Michelle Singletary agrees that many times it's rarely the money itself, but what lies beneath that has couples all in a tizzy. The Washington Post financial columnist, and current TV One pundit, with her own reality TV show, '$ingletary $ays', notes that women, especially, allow fear and control issues to lead them into "financial infidelity." We've all heard of couples who hit the skids because one of them "failed to mention" that they were $300,000 in debt.

"Somebody's hiding money because they're scared somebody's going to run off with their money," says Singletary, whose latest book, 'Your Money and Your Man: How You and Prince Charming Can Spend Well and Live Rich' goes into great detail about women and their finances both during dating and marriage. "A spender has married a saver and they can't come up with a way to compromise on their different styles. They haven't spent the time before they got married to discuss how they're going to handle the differences."

Also, Singletary, who says she got most of her financial acumen from her grandmother (including spending less than you make and using credit sparingly), says a lot of women are taught to keep a secret account, a definite no-no in her book (no pun intended).

"I call it the home-wrecking hussy account in case he runs off with a home-wrecking hussy," she says jokingly. Singletary believes that one should never have a separate account from their spouse except in extreme cases of abuse, alcoholism or mental illness. "If you've got that kind of fear and you think you need to set up a separate account, you don't need to be married."

Singletary adds that control issues can also tear marriages apart.

"One person may make more than the other and they may think that they should have more of a say. And this particularly comes into play if it's a stay-at-home mom or dad. It is absolutely not true. It is not who brings in the money that controls it. Couples need to see that the income is both our income. If you're not ready to give up mine for an our -- o-u-r -- then you need to stay s-i-n-g-l-e."

"Money is THE issue causing marital distress," adds Raiford. "And it's not the money, it's the inability to talk about it and act on honest feelings about it. I think it should be part of any couple's discussion, especially before marriage."

Talk About Money Issues In Relationships