Back to Page One"I also learned that there weren't any role models," Reid continues. "Many of the couples don't have family members who were married and they just didn't have people they could relate to. So I felt for the community to be encouraged by marriage, they had to have people to look to. Now, if this couple can do it, I can too."
Reid, who maintains that she had the vision for
the wedding before her book, provided couples with everything they would need for a wedding including dresses, limousines, discounted rings, flowers and even premarital counseling and a financial wedding shower.
She says that the process for finding couples is rigorous and is broken into three interviews including one on the phone and one at home. One of the biggest surprises with the first "Marry Your Baby Daddy" Day was that men -- not women -- were the most eager applicants.
"I thought when I did this, I'd have swarms of women calling me begging me to marry them," says Reid. "I didn't. I had lots of men telling me they wanted to marry their baby mamas."
"Many women told me that they were embarrassed. They didn't think they would ever get married. They didn't think they were good enough. They were OK with him just being there," Reid expounds. "And on the wedding day, the women couldn't stop thanking me. They were like, 'Mrs. Reid, I never dreamed or thought it could happen to me.' So it could be a self-esteem issue. Also, a lot of couples think of marriage as an esteemed position for certain people."
A study by the
National Center for Health Statistics reported that black women accounted for 68 percent of unmarried women in 2002, compared to 23 percent of whites. In 1965, black women accounted for 25 percent compared to 3 percent for whites. So while women in general are not marrying at the rates they once did, black women are
not walking down the aisle at a rate more than double that of white women.
"Those statistics, they affect everybody," says Reid, who actually was once engaged but did not marry. "It affects everybody; it affects the single women, it affects the married women, it affects the divorced women."
Reid believes that part of why black women say they don't want to be married is fear; the other piece of the puzzle is lack of communication.
"From what I've learned, women just don't articulate their needs clearly enough. There's a lot of non-verbal communication -- men don't understand that. Black women or women in general need to set the tone and take the power back in relationships."
As for the colloquial, often derogatory, name of the program, Reid says: "I wanted to bring attention to the issue itself. We know this speaks to a demographic -- it's the community I'd like to reach out to -- the younger portion of the community that's not as educated about marriage and its values as maybe our older people are. And also, the fact that "baby daddy" and "baby mama" have such negative connotations, you don't expect the word "marry" and "baby daddy" to be in the same sentence. So it's about empowering the whole phrase."
Mrs. India Potts, who is about to celebrate her one-year wedding anniversary (and nine years of being with Ahmeid) this September, says she doesn't mind being the poster child for Marry Your Baby Daddy Day.
"I felt comfortable enough to set an example," she says. "Not to point the finger and say, no, no, no [unmarried parents] are doing the wrong thing, but to say you can come full circle."
The next "Marry Your Baby Daddy Day" will be held in September 2007. If you are a cohabitating unwed couple with a biological child living in the New York City area, call 212 946 5164 or go to www.marryyourbabydaddy.com for more information.