On Race & Romance
Posted: 2007-10-27 14:13:30
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When it comes to falling in love, it would be nice to think that someone's race wouldn't make a difference. If you dig someone, that's all that matters, right? For a growing number of people, that's definitely the case. Still, it would be unrealistic to think that everyone's 100 percent color-blind. Like it or not, ethnicity still has a big impact on dating. Only how? To answer that question, we gathered together experts and African Americans who've made some very different decisions romantically. Their perspectives and preferences may surprise you -- and shed some new light on this controversial topic.
PARTICIPATING IN OUR ROUNDTABLE:
Anthony Lising Antonio, race and ethnicity expert and associate professor of education at Stanford University Dr. Brenda Wade, psychologist and author of 'What Mama Couldn't Tell Us About Love: Healing The Emotional Legacy of Racism by Celebrating Our Light' Samara Brown, 25, only dates black men Adrian Thomas, 35, occasionally dates outside his race Vanessa Donabill, 44, has dated outside her race but prefers her own
First off, how much does race matter these days on the dating scene?
Dr. Wade: The number of interracial couples is exploding. Younger people don’t seem to care what color you are.
Prof. Antonio: The rise in the number of popular, recognizable multi-heritage people like Halle Berry and Tiger Woods and the increased visibility of interracial couples like singer Seal and supermodel Heidi Klum, have contributed to the increase in mixed-race relationships. But still, as a society, we're not used to interacting interracially. There's still some reluctance.
Samara: I wouldn't feel comfortable dating outside my race. I may have certain things in common with white people -- like my interest in classical piano, art, crossword puzzles, and Scrabble -- but when I just want to kick back and be a sistah and get a press-and-curl or a perm, I don't want to have to explain myself to a white boyfriend. A black guy has already seen his mom get up at eight in the morning and go get her hair done, and he knows she's going to be there all day.
PARTICIPATING IN OUR ROUNDTABLE:
Anthony Lising Antonio, race and ethnicity expert and associate professor of education at Stanford University Dr. Brenda Wade, psychologist and author of 'What Mama Couldn't Tell Us About Love: Healing The Emotional Legacy of Racism by Celebrating Our Light' Samara Brown, 25, only dates black men Adrian Thomas, 35, occasionally dates outside his race Vanessa Donabill, 44, has dated outside her race but prefers her own
First off, how much does race matter these days on the dating scene?
Dr. Wade: The number of interracial couples is exploding. Younger people don’t seem to care what color you are.
Prof. Antonio: The rise in the number of popular, recognizable multi-heritage people like Halle Berry and Tiger Woods and the increased visibility of interracial couples like singer Seal and supermodel Heidi Klum, have contributed to the increase in mixed-race relationships. But still, as a society, we're not used to interacting interracially. There's still some reluctance.
Samara: I wouldn't feel comfortable dating outside my race. I may have certain things in common with white people -- like my interest in classical piano, art, crossword puzzles, and Scrabble -- but when I just want to kick back and be a sistah and get a press-and-curl or a perm, I don't want to have to explain myself to a white boyfriend. A black guy has already seen his mom get up at eight in the morning and go get her hair done, and he knows she's going to be there all day.
Vanessa: It used to not matter to me and I dated anyone regardless of race. But lately, I've had a strong yearning to be with someone who looks like me and can relate to me in ways that a person of another race never could. I was really missing a big piece of myself, and when I got involved with a black man, I felt like I was home again.
Adrian: I think dating outside your race is more of challenge. But if it works, that's fine. My views are by no means typical: Many black men don't date white women at all; others only date white women. I have a problem with the latter group. I feel that if you date exclusively outside your race, you have a problem with your skin color.
Why do you think some people date outside their race?
Adrian: I think dating outside your race is more of challenge. But if it works, that's fine. My views are by no means typical: Many black men don't date white women at all; others only date white women. I have a problem with the latter group. I feel that if you date exclusively outside your race, you have a problem with your skin color.
Why do you think some people date outside their race?
Colorblind Love
Aisha Tyler and husband Jeff Tietjens met at Dartmouth College and moved to California where Tyler began her acting career. The comedian said that Oakland was tough for the couple at times.
"It was exhausting because we could not walk down the street without brothers yelling and catcalling lame, tired old lines like, 'Once you go black, you never go back!' or asking 'Why are you with that white boy?'" Tyler has said.
Adrian: The first time I went with a white woman, I was in my early thirties and I was just curious what it would be like.
Dr. Wade: Some people undoubtedly are dating out of curiosity. A lot of my clients who date people of other races say it's more interesting for them. They feel like they have love and they get to know something about other cultures in the process.
Vanessa: Sometimes I feel like white guys who approach me are just looking for the forbidden fruit. And if it's not to get to know me as an individual, then I'm not interested in dating that person.
For people who do date outside their race, what’s the experience like?
Vanessa: It can be very frustrating. I'd go bar-hopping with my white ex-boyfriend and his friends. A couple of the bars we went to were all white and everyone was comfortable. Then we'd go to a couple of places with an equal mix of white and black folks and his friends would clearly be uncomfortable. They'd keep commenting, "There's a lot of black folks in here." Now, I never said, "There's a lot of white folks in here!"
Dr. Wade: There's a lot to learn. One interracial couple I know has been successful at it because they were willing and able to learn. She's had to learn how to deal with what she calls his "whiter than white" culture. And while he used to tell her, "You're imagining things" when she'd say something was racist, he's come to understand more how racism is manifested in society. Research seems to show that interracial couples have to work harder, but so often they end up with stronger relationships. They have to be awake: They can't afford to be asleep at the wheel.
How much have family and friends influenced your decision to date within your race or outside of it?
Adrian: It affects whether I'm dating just to date or dating to marry someone. My mother said, "Don't ever bring home a white girl" when I was a teenager. I took her seriously. I grew up in D.C., and definitely on the east coast there's a stigma to dating outside your race.
Samara: Growing up, I saw plenty of examples of loving black families. My parents were fabulous role models for strong, passionate black love. My brothers and sisters married black spouses. I wasn't told I had to marry a black person, but with all the examples that I've seen, somehow you know that's what you're supposed do.
Vanessa: My male black friends used to ask me why I'd date a certain white man; I would explain to them it had nothing to do with the person being white. I chose the person based on a connection and common interests. And they understood, because it wasn't like they only saw me dating white men, and my ex-husband was black.
In the online world, you can specify your dating preferences by race. How do you feel about that?
Adrian: It bothers me when I go online and see these women who say "I'll date anybody but a black person." You look at people's preferences and you actually see a lot of women who say they'll date white, Asian, Indian, Hispanic, heck they'll even date Pacific Islander. I can understand if you're white and you only want to date a white person. But to say you'll date everybody but me, how can I not be offended?
Dr. Wade: I think some people feel offended by the expression of racial preferences and think, "I'm being rejected by this person before they've even met me and gotten to know me." Yet some people travel in circles where if they brought a partner of a different race to a gathering, they would not feel welcome. So at the end of the day, you do what feels comfortable for you.
Samara: I wouldn't think anything other than "OK, that person knows what he or she wants." That person isn't wasting anyone's time. If I were to put up a profile, I would do the same thing.
Dr. Wade: Some people undoubtedly are dating out of curiosity. A lot of my clients who date people of other races say it's more interesting for them. They feel like they have love and they get to know something about other cultures in the process.
Vanessa: Sometimes I feel like white guys who approach me are just looking for the forbidden fruit. And if it's not to get to know me as an individual, then I'm not interested in dating that person.
For people who do date outside their race, what’s the experience like?
Vanessa: It can be very frustrating. I'd go bar-hopping with my white ex-boyfriend and his friends. A couple of the bars we went to were all white and everyone was comfortable. Then we'd go to a couple of places with an equal mix of white and black folks and his friends would clearly be uncomfortable. They'd keep commenting, "There's a lot of black folks in here." Now, I never said, "There's a lot of white folks in here!"
Dr. Wade: There's a lot to learn. One interracial couple I know has been successful at it because they were willing and able to learn. She's had to learn how to deal with what she calls his "whiter than white" culture. And while he used to tell her, "You're imagining things" when she'd say something was racist, he's come to understand more how racism is manifested in society. Research seems to show that interracial couples have to work harder, but so often they end up with stronger relationships. They have to be awake: They can't afford to be asleep at the wheel.
How much have family and friends influenced your decision to date within your race or outside of it?
Adrian: It affects whether I'm dating just to date or dating to marry someone. My mother said, "Don't ever bring home a white girl" when I was a teenager. I took her seriously. I grew up in D.C., and definitely on the east coast there's a stigma to dating outside your race.
Samara: Growing up, I saw plenty of examples of loving black families. My parents were fabulous role models for strong, passionate black love. My brothers and sisters married black spouses. I wasn't told I had to marry a black person, but with all the examples that I've seen, somehow you know that's what you're supposed do.
Vanessa: My male black friends used to ask me why I'd date a certain white man; I would explain to them it had nothing to do with the person being white. I chose the person based on a connection and common interests. And they understood, because it wasn't like they only saw me dating white men, and my ex-husband was black.
In the online world, you can specify your dating preferences by race. How do you feel about that?
Adrian: It bothers me when I go online and see these women who say "I'll date anybody but a black person." You look at people's preferences and you actually see a lot of women who say they'll date white, Asian, Indian, Hispanic, heck they'll even date Pacific Islander. I can understand if you're white and you only want to date a white person. But to say you'll date everybody but me, how can I not be offended?
Dr. Wade: I think some people feel offended by the expression of racial preferences and think, "I'm being rejected by this person before they've even met me and gotten to know me." Yet some people travel in circles where if they brought a partner of a different race to a gathering, they would not feel welcome. So at the end of the day, you do what feels comfortable for you.
Samara: I wouldn't think anything other than "OK, that person knows what he or she wants." That person isn't wasting anyone's time. If I were to put up a profile, I would do the same thing.
So for people who do find themselves dating outside their race, should they discuss that with the person they're seeing?
Dr. Wade: I would recommend doing so at the beginning. On a second date, once you know that the person's sane, available, and there's a little spark between you. You might begin by saying, "Have you had any experience dating people of a different race?" If they answer yes continue with, "Were you comfortable? How do you feel about dating someone of my race?" Just remember it's OK for the other person to reply, "I don't know."
Prof. Antonio: Luckily, it can get on the table very naturally. When you meet someone for the first time, you usually talk about your backgrounds and personal history. If you're talking about your family and where you grew up, there's every opportunity to introduce race and culture into the conversation. But in any conversation about race you have to be upfront and honest. And you have to be prepared to be hurt.
Are there any surprises that a person might uncover when dating outside his or her race?
Dr. Wade: Sometimes there's less "noise in the room" when that person doesn't have the same issues you have as a person of color, like the fear of getting turned down for a job because of what you look like. You're not bringing all the same hurts to the table. So sometimes, it actually makes it easier to be together. But it definitely takes somebody who's out of the ordinary, because you're going to be living a life that's out of the ordinary.
Talk About Interracial Dating on the BV Message Boards
Jerusha Stewart is the author of 'Single Girl's Manifesta: Living in a Stupendously Superior Single State of Mind.' Find her on the web at thelastsinglegirlintheworld.com.
Want More Love? Go to AOL Personals.
BV Extras:
More Black Women Consider 'Dating Out'
Interracial Marriages Surge Across U.S.
BV Reviews: 'Something New'
Dr. Wade: I would recommend doing so at the beginning. On a second date, once you know that the person's sane, available, and there's a little spark between you. You might begin by saying, "Have you had any experience dating people of a different race?" If they answer yes continue with, "Were you comfortable? How do you feel about dating someone of my race?" Just remember it's OK for the other person to reply, "I don't know."
Prof. Antonio: Luckily, it can get on the table very naturally. When you meet someone for the first time, you usually talk about your backgrounds and personal history. If you're talking about your family and where you grew up, there's every opportunity to introduce race and culture into the conversation. But in any conversation about race you have to be upfront and honest. And you have to be prepared to be hurt.
Are there any surprises that a person might uncover when dating outside his or her race?
Dr. Wade: Sometimes there's less "noise in the room" when that person doesn't have the same issues you have as a person of color, like the fear of getting turned down for a job because of what you look like. You're not bringing all the same hurts to the table. So sometimes, it actually makes it easier to be together. But it definitely takes somebody who's out of the ordinary, because you're going to be living a life that's out of the ordinary.
Talk About Interracial Dating on the BV Message Boards
Jerusha Stewart is the author of 'Single Girl's Manifesta: Living in a Stupendously Superior Single State of Mind.' Find her on the web at thelastsinglegirlintheworld.com.
Want More Love? Go to AOL Personals.
BV Extras:
More Black Women Consider 'Dating Out'
Interracial Marriages Surge Across U.S.
BV Reviews: 'Something New'
2006-09-11 15:29:13