Daring To Date After Divorce

Courtesy of BlackDoctor.org

Loss tends to bring out that extreme or “black-and-white” thinking in all of us. Part of the reason for this seemingly archaic manner of dealing with things is that loss brings up good, old childhood feelings of fear of “nothing ever working out” or having no control over our surroundings. When we are children we don’t have any control over what our parents do, but, as adults, we often forget during the grieving process that feelings aren’t facts and that, while they sometimes hurt; feelings don’t have the power to take over our lives if we don’t let them.

One of the common statements I hear from clients, and even friends, in the wake of the loss of a loved one (specifically related to going through the arduous process of getting a divorce), is “I will NEVER date again.” Now, I will concede that after a break-up where your one-time lovebird relationship turns into something out of “War of the Roses,” complete with cars on lawns and hanging from chandeliers, this thought may seem viable; but in all honesty, feeling connected to others is simply part of being human. This extreme thinking may be a manifestation of fear (which tends to be masked by other feelings like anger or sadness) that one will not have the choice to be in a relationship again.

The other end of the “extreme” spectrum is for a newly divorced (or not yet divorced) person to jump into another relationship (and, yes, this sometimes happens BEFORE any separation occurs) immediately and to think that “this time it will be different.” This extreme clearly forgets the reality that failed relationships actually have two participants. While it is easy to see oneself as a victim in this process, it is likely that one will continue to find the same person in a different body until he/she deals with the relational blocks that led to the demise of the marriage/partnership in the first place.

The reason for such extreme thinking is understandable, as it can imply an internal sense of control. This sense, however, is false, because controlling external circumstances does not lead to internal serenity, nor does it lead to a sense of resolve over a major loss.

I repeat. EXTERNAL CONTROL does not lead to a sense of resolve or serenity. Only internal “footwork,” if you will can get one through the grief process.

Now one might think, “If I can’t control my feelings by external control, then what can I do?” Well, there is much to do to get through a divorce (and it IS A MOUNTAIN, not a mole hill, of a grieving process), and while I do suggest some external behaviors, these are self-help behaviors which do not indicate a need to control some vast reality over which one cannot possibly have power.

1. Join a divorce support group. There are free divorce support groups at churches and some hospitals or mental health centers. This may even involve forming your own group with friends who have been through similar experiences. You won’t feel so alone when you are sharing about your loss. Be careful not to turn this opportunity into a former partner bashing session. Everyone probably already knows what he or she said anyway. And, frankly, they are probably sick of hearing it by now. The truth of the matter is that looking at where you have erred will almost always lead you through a quicker grief-resolution process. It is certainly normal to be angry and sad regarding the other person, but hyper-focus on that person is simply another way to avoid the inevitable pain of the loss.

2. Make a gratitude list about the relationship. One of the most painful parts of a divorce, especially for men and women who have been with their partner for many years, is a sense of “wasted time.” It is crucial to remember during this period that ALL relationships are transitory. Yes, ALL relationships will have to end at some point, even if it is because of death, and that we only tend to think of things being wasted when it doesn’t happen from “natural causes.”

It is a good practice to sit down when you have those positive memories and write them down. Ask yourself the following and really reflect on the answers that you find.

• What have I done in my life that I never would have done if it wasn’t for this person’s presence? (This can even include going to therapy or helping other people, if it is hard to find anything redeeming about the person at this time)
• What were the best times in our relationship, and how did these affect who I’ve become as a person?
• What were the worst times in our relationship and how did these affect who I’ve become as a person?
• What are the things I did in this relationship that I was proud of?
• What are the things this person did that I was proud of?
• I am so grateful to have experienced the following things in my life as a result of knowing this person.

You can, of course, add to or vary the list. But that is a good start.

3. Get back into creative activities you’ve abandoned because of anger. It is common that people disregard their own interests in relationship. Even though this is often an individual’s choice, it is also common to blame the other partner for this change. Nine times out of 10 (and there are exceptions where abuse is concerned) we tend to abandon our interests because we think that is what the other person wants and then resent them that we’ve done so. Even more often, we tend to not communicate about it until the resentment is so deep that we want a divorce. So, here is your chance. Do some exploration of what you loved to do as a child. Whether it was art, theater, soccer, weaving or basketball, get back into it and see how you feel. Also take this time to develop some new interests. You may discover a love for cooking or yoga or origami. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it is legal and makes you happy!

4. Be gentle with yourself You are a human being. You aren’t perfect and NEVER will be. If you didn’t make it work this time around, you will certainly have another chance to prove your gifts and, yes, your imperfections once again! Believe in the abundance of the universe and opportunities will present themselves to you when you least expect them!