The 6 Biggest Parenting Myths: (Page 2 of 6)
2. Children Should Never See Their Parents Argue
I must have been 6 or 7 when I was lying awake in bed one night and heard, filtering up from downstairs, my parents having an argument. This was the first time I'd ever heard them yell at each other, and I cried myself to sleep, certain they were headed for divorce. (More than 30 years later, my parents are still happily married.) Even while successfully raising five children, my parents — like all parents — made a few mistakes. By keeping their inevitable arguments behind closed doors in order to shield us from marital conflict, they unwittingly conveyed the message that fighting was somehow abnormal or frightening.
Many of us mistakenly assume that children are irreparably harmed by witnessing their parents' disagreements. "We have a fantasy that denial is beneficial, that if kids aren't exposed to anger or bitterness, they won't have these qualities themselves," says Steve Tuber, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology at the Graduate Center/City College, in New York City.
Constant bickering, of course, benefits no one. But children need good models for how to deal with angry feelings. "Arguing is a healthy part of any relationship," says Tuber. "By being able to disagree in a loving way and not hiding it from your children, you're teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way."
There are certain caveats: Never allow fights to become emotionally or physically abusive, and never fight about the children in front of them. "It's important to present a united front when it comes to raising your child," explains Heidi Murkoff, a PARENTING contributing editor and coauthor of the best-selling What to Expect books. "If you openly disagree about discipline techniques, your child is going to be confused and won't know what's expected of her."
When the argument blows over, it's critical that kids see you kiss and make up. This helps them understand that their parents go on loving each other even though they've had a fight.